GABRIELLE DELACOUR, THE WICKED WITCH, IS AT IT AGAIN.
Gabbi Delacour, known to be dating Colin Creevey, has recently been seen in Hogsmeade with none other than Viktor Krum. Gabrielle has also allegedly been seen making advances on a young Severus Snape, who is known to be dating Lily Luna Potter. This newly formed love “triangle,” or pentagon, has been causing mass chaos. In fact, it may even threaten the Statute of Secrecy—our whole world could be in jeopardy. If she continues playing with the world’s emotions, this Veela could find herself being the reason that we will have to Obliviate the masses, moving all Wizarding civilization away from Muggles once more. Why has Delacour suddenly become unfaithful to Creevey? How long before Creevey finds out? We will keep you updated.
Remus Lupin and James Potter- Poorer Than Dirt & Gringotts Heist?
Well, lets face it. Lupin has always been as poor as dirt, but not James Potter! Recently James has been overheard talking about stealing something, and it is thought that he is planning a heist with Remus. Where at you ask? None other than Gringotts! “Are they crazy?!” is probably what is running through your mind right now, and I would have to agree! It is well known that James has a horrible addiction to Butterbeer, and has probably run his bank account dry, thus forth spurring the plan to rob the wizarding bank. Remus is just in for it because James supposedly offered him a cardboard box to sleep in if the robbery is successful. That, and James plans on using Lupin (whilst he is a werewolf) as a weapon of mass destruction. Gringotts has been put on high alert, so James, Remus, give it up. We know your secret now. Next time, plan quieter.
It has been found out that Miss Granger has used her smarts lately for making none other than….a love potion! She slipped poor Draco one in some spaghetti sauce! Who knew she had a thing for him? The worst part is both Malfoy and Granger are in well publicized relationships, Draco with Astoria Greengrass, and Hermione with Ron Weasley. Draco was last seen screaming Hermione’s name, and other threats at a trashcan! Has he gone delusional as well? We will keep you updated on this scandal.
This father and son duos have been heard making threats against Gabrielle Delacour and Severus Snape in light of the recent events including Lily Luna Potter. Some of them include, being stampeded by a raging herd of hippogriffs, pitched off of the Astronomy Tower, and my personal favorite, mauled by James in his animagus form. Is there a cell in Azkaban with James and Harrys name on it? The wizarding worlds golden boys better watch what they are doing, because I know we will!
Gabrielle, who is known to be dating Colin Creevey, has been seen talking to young Severus Snape /a lot/ lately. Word had it that she may even have a thing for the boy! This is interesting, because she recently played matchmaker between him and Lily Luna Potter. She has been known to cause a whole lot of trouble before (See past articles for more information on her scandalous past). Is she going to leave poor Colin in the dust, right on the eve of their 1 year anniversary? Keep your eyes on this little veela vixen, and remember boys, that’s why you can’t go for just looks alone.
Severus Snape has recently been seen raving like a mad-man about “dungeon demons” living next door to his bedroom. Many people have rolled their eyes at this lunatic man, but there may be some truth in his panic. The HAHT team (Hogwarts Abnormal Happenings Team) was called in to soothe his pain. HAHT said there were signs of a paranormal haunting, but they think it’s just Peeves banging around with pots and pans. Snape had this to say, “If people keep telling me I’m crazy I’ll have to go and prove them wrong, because I’m always right. ALWAYS I SAY.” That poor deranged man, will he get any rest from being in the constant spotlight?
Recently Bellatrix Lestrange has been spotted around the clubhouse, looking….happy? Sources say she has a thing for a certain handsome young Dark Lord, Mr. Tom Riddle. But, is all not well in Bella’s Paradise? Current buzz is that Mr. Riddle is happily married to Katie Bell. I guess Bellatrix will have to find a new man to idolize, because word is, she has a love shrine devoted to Tom. Rumor has it though, that she is plotting the demise of the happy marriage. Plans for her having a dragon, 2 house elves, and an army of ghouls were overheard, what she intends to do with them are unknown. All we here at the Prophet can say is Mr. & Mrs. Riddle, watch out for Bellatrix, and to all of our readers, make sure you don’t get caught in the crossfire!
Snape & Lily Luna Potter- Generation Crossing Love, or Pedophilia?
Lily Luna Potter was recently spotted on a romantic Hogsmeade date with none other than Severus Snape! Lily looked quite happy with the arrangement, but word is that Snape has less than noble intentions hidden behind his “like” for her. Is he just a bitter 38 year old virgin looking to “get some”, or is it really true love? We will keep you posted on this greasy love story!
• People can be impregnated by getting hit with frying pans • A relationship between a child and someone her grandparent’s age can definitely work • Frying pans are the choice weapon. Without them, all would die. • Your job is to make people laugh • We make people have the best freaking year ever • You can use Unforgivables out of character as much as you want • You don’t get offended when someone kills you • Butterbeer is the world’s greatest entertainment • CAPS LOCK IS THE ONLY WAY TO COMMUNICATE • Flipping tables over is the best way to express yourself • Calling people Snapple Sauce or Cinnamon is completely normal • Killing people with crayons is perfectly acceptable • Professors love their desks • Amortentia: the world’s best matchmaking service • You must play Scrabble in the closet. • We are the world’s best dysfunctional family, with Aunt Alex and Uncle Snape being the crazy leader • We are all 75 year old men with pimp canes • Using aging potions for relationships and otherwise is always appropriate • AVPM references are always welcome • Students can definitely match make one of their friends and a professor • Frying pans are the only good way to knock someone out, so they can regain their memories • Time travel is a frequent occurrence • Severus Snape must always have a Hasselhoff body at the pool • Tom Riddle is a fairy princess dude Veela • Fear love potion: always • You must always lose the game • Internet kicks are the worst form of punishment • You can go on never ending hunts for certain characters • It is totally okay to use Polyjuice to ruin someone’s relationship • Shoving someone in a closet for a month with Snape is cool beans • Lovingly suffocating is another way of saying that you trapped the object of your love in your arms so they can’t escape and kiss them to no end • Gif changing rampages happen often • You have every right to go on a murderous rampage because you haven’t gotten your Pottermore email • You can easily set up a crying corner for those who haven’t received their Pottermore emails • You get proud of yourself for not missing a post • If you fail at IC-ing with someone, it’s not the end of the world. You can just create a purple, magical cow with wings that loves to eat trophies and special K cereal to IC with. • When someone explodes, make them into cereal and eat them. • It’s perfectly acceptable to kill someone for losing the Game • Complete gibberish always makes sense • LIA: because being IC is too mainstream • You can plot to take over the world and/or kill people and it’s considered normal • Only the best IC’s involve time traveling or butterbeer. That is to say, almost all of them. • Killing everyone in sight is not only allowed, it is encouraged.
Live by these, and you are living a truly awesome life.
Severus Snape has finally snapped, between his undying love for Lily, and his undying love for his desk, this scandalous professor from Hogwarts School of Witch Craft and Wizardry has finally lost him marbles. From forcing children to hug to turning into Narcissa Malfoy for fun, there is nothing that is to creepy or unbecoming for him to do. He was unavailable for comment, but a good friend of his, (who shall go unnamed) said that he wasn’t feeling well do to an unprecedented encounter with a Crumpled Horn Snorkack. Will this professor clean up his act? Or will his next encounter involve being towed away in a straight jacket?
NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM & HANNAH ABBOTT - TOGETHER AT LAST?
Neville Longbottom and Hannah Abbott have finally found each other. After much buzz about the young couple, ‘just being friends’, the kids decided to reveal their relationship. Longbottom approached Abbott and apologized profusely for for ditching her at Fawkes and Toms wedding, and she quickly accepted his apology with a smile. They escaped prying eyes and haven’t been seen since. Teddy Lupin and Fawkes Riddle managed to spy on the lovers and have informed me that they’ve done a makeup dance and are currently touring Longbottoms house. “Neville is the sweetest guy I know!” Abbott stated when asked to comment. This adorable couple will probably cease to surprise us!
Hermione Granger fancies herself and artist, when the wizarding world very well knows that Granger can’t draw. She can’t even draw when she’s reading a book on how-to-draw. She likes to pretend she can doodle creations as beautiful as Draco Malfoy’s with his expert crosshatching. Granger has been babbling trying to prove that she really can draw. Claiming that the reason she can’t prove that she has drawing skills is because she’s to busy with school work, is further proof that this young girl is deranged and doesn’t know what the color purple looks like. Also Lupin can’t sing. Thank you AVPS
Colin Creevey and Gabrielle Delacour are absolutely the worst people to have graced this planet. This scandalous couple has caused emotional distress to many a person. The pair lied about having broken up, pretending to hate each other to gain pity, money, and friends. In reality, they had been together laughing at the misfortune of others. The lies of these two have been seen only as hard facts up until recently when Delacour proclaimed that she couldn’t keep the secret up any longer and that she loved Creevey to much to allow herself to pretend to like Potter. Delacour has now caused a national incident, the Minister of Magic is now involved. He will have to wipe the memories of millions to save them from the distress their stories have caused. Creevey is possibly up for trial in front of the Wizengamot for disturbing the peace and killing muggles. What will the next turn of events reveal?
Gabrielle Delacour has recently been seen prancing around with her illicit lover, Harry Potter. It it a well know fact that the two are brother and sister-in-law. Delacour claims that she is madly in love with Potter, who is known to also be dating Ginny Weasley. Victoire Weasley comments, “It’s gross. Really gross. I’m going to puke just thinking about it.” I must concur to this. Delacour has left Creevey for a relative, what will happen next in this sick, disturbing twisted love triangle story.
Servus Snape, The ever-so-popular Hogwarts Professor, Has his Picture in the Hogwarts Great Hall four times. But, could it not be as it seems, That the supposedly-amusing Snape is really a target for the Hogwarts students to practice their spells and show them off? But Snape Claims to have given his Approval. Cho Chang, the student who posted three of the four posters, had this to say: “Oh,Snape has never been the likable type, And I love annoying him.” Ted Lupin, Who was unavailable, took the original photo of Snape in a dress and pink hair. Neville, the the one who hung up the photo, Was quickly Defended By Chang. “Oh, Neville did nothing wrong, just trying to get a laugh.” The second photo, Taken and hung by Chang, was taken after a fight with Snape. “I just got mad and set his hair on fire. And the random blood is Gabrielle’s. Narcissa is also running and screaming loudly.” Gabrielle Delacour, Who was unconscious, had no comment. The third photo, Created by someone who shall go unnamed, was taken and hung by Chang. “This was at Fawkes and Tom’s wedding. [unnamed] put Snape in this Flamango Suit and so I took a picture.” The last one, was done by Chang and Cedric Diggory. “We were bored, so I took off snape’s Robes and shaved him bald. He is wearing ‘I heart my Desk” Undies.” Claimed a laughing Chang. What will happen to this poor seemingly unloved professor next? Special thanks to Cho.
I have a first hand account from my fly on the wall of the kinds of antics Diggory gets up to. “Cedric Diggory is a complete male chauvinist. I’ve heard him talking in the boys washroom about some very foul things regarding Cho Chang. He’s not just going out with her because of her brains, if you know what I mean. Not only this, but he is convinced that he is the best seeker on the face of the earth. He puts himself above people such as Viktor Krum himself! Whenever he’s around his friends he puts on a facade that he’s the greatest person on the face of the earth, but around his girlfriend he apparently shows a visage of greater depth attempting to be humble. In reality, he’s playing her with none other than… Lavender Brown: Ron Weasley’s current girlfriend. Oh, they’re not together or anything, Lavender and Cedric, but he’s trying pretty hard. Also, little known fact: during the nighttime he prances about as a sparkly vampire!” Now we know, what kind of sick twisted things happen in this boys mind. Special thanks to Myrtle, keep on flushing.
Gabrielle Delacour has seemed to have left her man Colin Creevey in the dust. After tugging on this poor boys heartstrings, she’s decided to up and leave him for Harry Potter, the boy who lived. Poor Creevey’s head is in a spin over the allegations. Some people claim the Gabrielle ended the relationship with a slap fight, others claim it was a quiet good bye, ending with Delacour and Potter leaving on the back of a Hippogriff. Creevey lost the girl, will he lose his mind next?
Is Hannah Abbott the next great seer of the wizarding world? Abbott, having the Eye of the greatest seers, predicted that Delacour and Creevey were madly in love. These predictions were soon proven right within the next few weeks, ending in the marriage of the too. Abbott was unavailable for comment, but her Professor, Severus Snape, was. “Abbott is just a genius in her own right, I don’t even know how she knew they liked each other. It didn’t seem like it until just a few days ago.” We may soon need to turn to this amazing young woman for answers to the future. Will she be the next great seer? Only the future can tell. Literally.
Colin Creevey and Gabrielle Delacour have both finally professed their undying love for each other. After much buzz over the friendship the two shared being more then what it seemed, the two gave in. It all started when Delacour took a dive and lost all bone in her arm. Severus Snape gallantly saved the girls arm, but was pushed away by Creevey who immediately cradled her in his arms and took her to the couch to look after her. After she woke up, she was swooned by Creeveys manly charm and couldn’t help but fall for him. After he knew the time was right, even though Snape tried to convince him otherwise, he told Delacour that she was the only one for him. Delacour was so thrilled that she jumped into his arms and told Creevey that she felt the same way. What will this dynamic duo do next?
There have been several accusations against this lovable, feathery, flying creature of the sky. She has been called an evil bird of the night, said to dabble in the dark arts. Her husband, Tom Riddle, feels otherwise. “Fawkes is a beautiful creature, who wouldn’t hurt a fly. Anyone making these accusations is obviously insane, and deserves to have their tongue ripped out.” Obviously, many people feel strongly about this issue. Teddy Lupin commented, “Fawkes? Oh yeah, she’s great. Hilarious. Evil? No, but she can be a bit harsh.” Fawkes the phoenix Riddle is a long time companion of Albus Dumbledore, and is therefore treated like a queen in most company. Is there maybe something more we don’t know about this bird? You decided.
Teddy Lupin and Victoire Weasley, both student at Hogwarts School of Witch Craft and Wizardry, have been caught sneaking away together and meeting in secret places throughout Hogwarts and Hogsmede. This couple is unusually quiet about their relationship with each other, maybe because they think it makes the secret meetings less suspicious? We can’t be sure of the motives, but this quaint couple has been meeting in places such as, the Astronomy Tower, the Divination Tower, Honeydukes, the Herbology Greenhouse, and Professor Snapes dungeons. What are they doing during these meetings? No one but them could tell us, so you decided reader, what is going on with Lupin and Weasley?
Severus Snape is such a deranged man, that he is in desperate need of therapy. He reaches out to a friend of his, Fawkes the Phoenix Riddle, to help him. “He’s always coming to me, whining about his problems. It’s really annoying, he makes me wear this beard and it’s all really degrading.” Fawkes says on the subject. “He really needs to get /professional/ help.”
Fawkes the Phoenix Riddle was recently seen in a drunken party like state on the night of August 28th. She had one to many firewhiskys, and begun to terrorize the people with her. “I was honestly, so scared, I don’t know what to say. She start calling me fat, and she wouldn’t stop. I’m /not/ fat. Right? WAIT I’M NOT FAT RIGHT?” Was the comment Severus Snape made about the night. “She started rambling about her husband Tom Riddle. Then Snivellus had to go and tell her Umbridge stole him from her, and she freaked out. I think she probably would’ve pecked us to death if she could’ve gotten off the ground.” Was James Potters account of the night. Will this feathered being be able to stop the madness and save herself from harming others?
Looks like Snape has a new fan girl to add to his amazingly short list of one. Ted the Waffle Spider, who could be male or female, has recently been spotted stalking poor Snape. He/She has been crawling around on his wall, and forcing signatures out of him. After following him around his house for several hours and giving him a thorough case of the heebie-jeebies, Spider was escorted outside by Snapes bodyguard. Spider was officially married to Snape, but promptly divorced him. Then, regretting the decision, Spider married him once again. They are now happily vacationing in Cancun.
Fawkes the Phoenix Riddle is having a love affair with Principal West, who claims to be the real Tom Riddle. “I don’t know where she got it in her head that he’s Tom Riddle, I mean, it definitely wasn’t me mentioning that he looks exactly like him, or the fact that he’s his favorite villain. I know that’s not it.” Severus Snape commented looking thoroughly disturbed. Fawkes has been seeing convorting with the man, even going as far as forcing Snape to get an autograph for her. This disturbed young phoenix will do good to get back with her husband Tom Riddle, and leave Principal West alone.
Miss Malinda Leeves has finally given up on chasing Severus Snape around. She has now turned her greedy, adoring eyes upon Mr. Oliver Wood. Wood is the Quidditch obsessed, captain of the Gryiffindor team. After many shenanigans involving love potions in cream puffs and Snape, she has decided to move on. Poor Wood would do well to hide and never speak to this psychotic, disturbed young woman. More updates will be added if we here of anymore crazy things this girl would like to do.
Fawkes and Tom - married August 22 Fawkes - died August 23 Fawkes - born August 23 Deshkey - died August 23 Colin and Gabrielle - married August 25 Colin and Gabrielle - divorced August 26 Snape and Ted the Waffle Spider - married August 28 Snape and Ted the Waffle Spider - divorced August 28 Snape and Ted the Waffle Spider - married August 28